Acceptance and the spiritual axiom…

I’m having a spiritual axiom sort of day today. I feel sad, disturbed by some unknown force. I sense it to be loneliness, self pity, envy. Today started out great! I woke up, made coffee, put on my workout clothes, then ended up going downtown with Megan to bag meters for a film event and then we walked around Forsyth Park with our overpriced coffee treat from a franchise that will remain unnamed. It was a beautiful day with bright blue sky and puffy cotton candy clouds, a slight breeze in the air. We’ve had an uncommonly long spring this year; usually it would be stifling hot by now.

We came back to my place and were joined by Lisa and Jean at the pool. We were just chilling, being girls, gossiping. I was unsuccessfully trying to read. Then a green little demon started dancing beside me – just close enough to brush against me as he passed. We were waiting for the guys to show up with the food and although I was happy they were coming, my mood began to sour. Because I knew there would be one, two, three of them and there were one, two, three, four of us. A fourth man was glaringly absent. Not THE fourth man, but ANY fourth man. Of course, I would’ve liked to imagine JY following behind them single file, but it could have been any guy I’d mated up with.

I thought about calling and inviting him more than once, but my common sense and pride got the best of me. “He wouldn’t come anyway,” I thought. “Why would he want to drive all the way over here? He wouldn’t come just to see me and he doesn’t really like to hang out with these guys anyway. He would be uncomfortable, feel awkward. But why? These ARE his guys, after all. But yeah, he’s DIFFERENT than them. He’s special. We would get along better alone. I would be self conscious around him. Everyone would be looking at us. What if he kissed me in front of them?” GOD, my brain. I’d thought about everything but the cemetery plots in a matter of seconds. So although my poor head knows that these thoughts are futile altogether, it still scopes out the drama – imaginary though it may be. And I know that I deserve better than this. I deserve a guy that would want to drive out here at the drop of a hat and wouldn’t care who he had to hang out with to spend time with me. But I digress.

I have given this situation way too much time and thought. I am fully aware that I cannot date him and cannot have a romantic relationship in any way with anyone right now. Yet I am still upset that he didn’t call – that he is indifferent. I wanted a chance to tell him the truth and then have him rebuke me. I can’t understand WHY he is acting the way he is. No one can. It’s not logical. So I sit here and dissect the situation over and over again. Is he mad? Did I hurt his feelings because I cancelled? Does he think I’m playing games? No, he’s a man. He can take it. But what if he can’t…what if men are more sensitive than we think. What if he really likes me, but doesn’t want to get hurt?

Then, I think, “he was just drunk.” He said things he didn’t mean. He rubbed my feet just for the hell of it. He was just fucking with my head. He woke up the next morning and had no intention of going to St. Augustine and when I called and cancelled, he was relieved. Of course, I didn’t even give him a chance to say anything. And then I volunteered to be present for the next day. Then he made plans with John, then again I volunteered myself for the next night. Then I cancelled. She’s not worth all that trouble, anyway, he probably thought. Or he’s just embarrassed by some of the things he said that night and he got ahead of himself again. So he’s retreating and he will call again later – when the time is right!

And then the reality fairy strikes again, “what is wrong with you? You can’t date him anyway! You probably don’t even like him when you’re sober and even if you could date, you can’t date a guy who drinks like him! So why are you constantly thinking about him?” “Just one more time,” I think. “I’ll see him just once more and I’ll explain and I’ll get to be in his presence one more time and I’ll get to kiss him one last time and that will be it.” Sounds familiar, huh? Wow that is scary. That sounds just like my love affair with alcohol. There’s always a “one last time.” And sometimes that “one last time” kills.

So is acceptance is the key?

“Acceptance is the answer to ALL my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I can accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy.” Pg. 417 The Big Book

I know this to be true, but exactly HOW you accept life on life’s terms is somewhat of a mystery. Some things are easier to accept than others. But remember, HOW:

Honest – admitted I was powerless over JY and his take on our relationship
Open – came to believe that my HP can take away the obsession
Willing – made a decision to turn my will and life over to my HP

Be honest with myself and others about the reality of the situation.
Be open about my feelings and open to other people’s suggestions and POV.
Be willing to let go, change, and take suggestions. Turn that will over one more time!

If I could accept situations as they are, instead of how I want them to be, I would be a much more serene and content person. Before, I had to live a delusional existence; today I can choose to live in the truth, no matter how unpleasant that may be. The truth will set you free….