"Sorrow is born in the hasty heart..."
I am beginning to see how God is working in my life, if I let him. It's amazing, sometimes funny, and kinda scary...
My sponsor recently asked me if I had the book, "Living Sober." I did. I bought it my first go around two years ago. I hadn't picked it up this time, though, rather than flipping through erratically. Yet I knew right where it was - in the top drawer of my nightstand.
This morning I randomly picked it up and turned to the table of contents. "Steering Clear of Emotional Entanglements" caught my eye and I read over it, thinking that it was exactly what I needed to reinforce my new feelings of resolve against becoming involved. Since my post on Sunday where I equated JY to "one last drink" I have been relieved of the obsession over him. :)
The passage (found on page 60 of "Living Sober") speaks of our drinking days and the time spent concerned about our personal intimate ties and how we were preoccupied with deep involvement - or non involvement - with other people. Many of us justified our drinking by blaming it on "lack of affection!" - Sound familiar?
Alcohol DID NOT ripen our comprehension of mature love, nor our ability to enter into and handle it if it did come our way. Rather our drinking left our emotional selves..scraped,bent,bruised, if not firmly warped. (Ummmm, my emotional self would definitely be warped.)
When I tell some of my friends about the no-dating rule and how involved my sponsor is, they scrunch up their faces and voice their opposition. They say that is one of the worst rules and they ask, "why?" I laugh because I thought the same thing. I couldn't imagine how I could NOT date anyone for a whole year! That was over 2 years ago when I attended meetings the first time. Guess what? In those two years, I didn't have one single relationship of any meaning. Only sex - and unhealthy obsession and delusion and insanity, not to mention danger. I actually had an affair with a married biker who carried his belongings around in a white kitchen trash bag. Seriously. And I thought it was funny....more great material for my book. SO this time around, I realized that perhaps I should take a year off...that was nothing to sacrifice compared to a life of meaningless flings and regrettable experiences. The selection was definitely going downhill.
So as my friends are shaking their heads, I think of my fragile sobriety and that AA experience shows that "the first non drinking days are likely to be periods of great emotional vulnerability." We can either become infatuated with new crushes or be so numb that we are immune to such feelings. I am definitely the one who crushes as I've already lived through my first AA crush...he actually kept me coming back. He was brimming with enthusiasm and love and I wanted what he had. He looked at me with a genuine concern and sparkle in his eye. I often had to remind myself that he looked at everyone that way. My obsession was starting to cause me uneasiness, but I was afraid to tell my sponsor, so I talked to a couple of other AA friends about it. They didn't really tell me anything I didn't know, but I lost the preoccupation after I shared with them. I still see him and even went to church with him two weeks ago and it was cool. We're friends now (and hopefully he doesn't know about my innocent little crush).
The passage reiterates that no important decisions should be made early in sobriety and applies particularly to decisions involving other people for they may contain high emotional potential. Immature or premature liaisons are crippling to recovery. We need time to mature before we can maturely relate to other people.
And, as an answer to my question of "how will I know when I'm ready", I can look to the last paragraph, " When our sobriety has a foundation firm enough to withstand stress, then we are ready to work through and straighten out other aspects of our lives. Until then, I must do FIRST THINGS FIRST and concentrate first on sobriety alone, steering clear of ANY risky emotional entanglements.
So after reading this, I go to a noon meeting. I never go to a noon meeting, but had to because I had plans tonight. I walk in and they are reading out of "Living Sober." I have never been to a meeting where they've read out of "Living Sober." And they are reading "Steering clear of emotional entanglements." Wow! God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself - again. He is so awesome!
So just in case I did not understand that I cannot date JY or have any kind of a relationship with him (or anyone fr that matter), I was reminded not once, but twice today. I guess my HP knows how thick my skull can be at times.
Grateful:
1. Felt better today...
2. Cute outfit!
3. I lost one more lb. since the last time at WW.
4. Finally made it to the bank.
5. Talked to John with NAMI - there is hope! I may get to tell my story after all.
6. Talked to Mary because I genuinely wanted to and not because I had to.
7. God making things obvious to me in case I don't get it.
8. Getting to do the film festival thing because my best friend is awesome!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Living the Mystery - Let Go and Let God
The Tao - 1st Verse
The Tao that can be told
is not the eternal Tao.
The name that can be named
is not the eternal name.
The Tao is both the named and the nameless.
As nameless it is the origin of all things;
as named it is the mother of 10,000 things.
Ever desireless, one can see the mystery;
ever desiring one sees only the manifestations.
And the mystery itself is the doorway
to all understanding.
- Again from Wayne Dyer's Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life
This seems very deep and has a lot of yin and yang going on. But it's really just saying "let go and let God." Stop trying so hard to BE happy and just BE. Stop striving to attain that elusive prize and enjoy the journey.
Dyer talks of wanting vs. allowing and explains that "wanting to go to sleep" is different than "going to sleep." Having the desire, then allowing the process to happen without effort. SO maybe like...make plans to go to work tomorrow..then allow the day to unfold as it may without freaking out if it doesn't go as I planned.
Dyer also says "Let the world unfold without always attempting to figure it all out. Let relationships just be, for example, since everything is going to stretch out in Divine Order. Don't try so hard to make something work. Simply allow....When expectations are shattered, practice allowing that to be the way it is!"
Once again....I have no control over other people, places, things, or situations. And I am so glad that I know that now. This program has taught me so much in such a short time....it is the piece that was missing in my puzzle.
My gratitude today:
1. A Good Honest Sharing AA mtg. on helping a friend who seeks help...
2. That I am sitting here right now alone and sober. I can be alone with myself.
3. The realization that JY is just like "one last drink."
4. The obsession has been lifted.
5. My headache is gone! (thanks for the reminder! How did I do that to myself all those years???)
6. Rent is posted.
7. Bought an Al-Anon book.
8. Ice Dream from Chik Fil A
9. Chinese food - a RARE treat.
10. I love my DOG!
The Tao that can be told
is not the eternal Tao.
The name that can be named
is not the eternal name.
The Tao is both the named and the nameless.
As nameless it is the origin of all things;
as named it is the mother of 10,000 things.
Ever desireless, one can see the mystery;
ever desiring one sees only the manifestations.
And the mystery itself is the doorway
to all understanding.
- Again from Wayne Dyer's Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life
This seems very deep and has a lot of yin and yang going on. But it's really just saying "let go and let God." Stop trying so hard to BE happy and just BE. Stop striving to attain that elusive prize and enjoy the journey.
Dyer talks of wanting vs. allowing and explains that "wanting to go to sleep" is different than "going to sleep." Having the desire, then allowing the process to happen without effort. SO maybe like...make plans to go to work tomorrow..then allow the day to unfold as it may without freaking out if it doesn't go as I planned.
Dyer also says "Let the world unfold without always attempting to figure it all out. Let relationships just be, for example, since everything is going to stretch out in Divine Order. Don't try so hard to make something work. Simply allow....When expectations are shattered, practice allowing that to be the way it is!"
Once again....I have no control over other people, places, things, or situations. And I am so glad that I know that now. This program has taught me so much in such a short time....it is the piece that was missing in my puzzle.
My gratitude today:
1. A Good Honest Sharing AA mtg. on helping a friend who seeks help...
2. That I am sitting here right now alone and sober. I can be alone with myself.
3. The realization that JY is just like "one last drink."
4. The obsession has been lifted.
5. My headache is gone! (thanks for the reminder! How did I do that to myself all those years???)
6. Rent is posted.
7. Bought an Al-Anon book.
8. Ice Dream from Chik Fil A
9. Chinese food - a RARE treat.
10. I love my DOG!
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Acceptance and the spiritual axiom…
I’m having a spiritual axiom sort of day today. I feel sad, disturbed by some unknown force. I sense it to be loneliness, self pity, envy. Today started out great! I woke up, made coffee, put on my workout clothes, then ended up going downtown with Megan to bag meters for a film event and then we walked around Forsyth Park with our overpriced coffee treat from a franchise that will remain unnamed. It was a beautiful day with bright blue sky and puffy cotton candy clouds, a slight breeze in the air. We’ve had an uncommonly long spring this year; usually it would be stifling hot by now.
We came back to my place and were joined by Lisa and Jean at the pool. We were just chilling, being girls, gossiping. I was unsuccessfully trying to read. Then a green little demon started dancing beside me – just close enough to brush against me as he passed. We were waiting for the guys to show up with the food and although I was happy they were coming, my mood began to sour. Because I knew there would be one, two, three of them and there were one, two, three, four of us. A fourth man was glaringly absent. Not THE fourth man, but ANY fourth man. Of course, I would’ve liked to imagine JY following behind them single file, but it could have been any guy I’d mated up with.
I thought about calling and inviting him more than once, but my common sense and pride got the best of me. “He wouldn’t come anyway,” I thought. “Why would he want to drive all the way over here? He wouldn’t come just to see me and he doesn’t really like to hang out with these guys anyway. He would be uncomfortable, feel awkward. But why? These ARE his guys, after all. But yeah, he’s DIFFERENT than them. He’s special. We would get along better alone. I would be self conscious around him. Everyone would be looking at us. What if he kissed me in front of them?” GOD, my brain. I’d thought about everything but the cemetery plots in a matter of seconds. So although my poor head knows that these thoughts are futile altogether, it still scopes out the drama – imaginary though it may be. And I know that I deserve better than this. I deserve a guy that would want to drive out here at the drop of a hat and wouldn’t care who he had to hang out with to spend time with me. But I digress.
I have given this situation way too much time and thought. I am fully aware that I cannot date him and cannot have a romantic relationship in any way with anyone right now. Yet I am still upset that he didn’t call – that he is indifferent. I wanted a chance to tell him the truth and then have him rebuke me. I can’t understand WHY he is acting the way he is. No one can. It’s not logical. So I sit here and dissect the situation over and over again. Is he mad? Did I hurt his feelings because I cancelled? Does he think I’m playing games? No, he’s a man. He can take it. But what if he can’t…what if men are more sensitive than we think. What if he really likes me, but doesn’t want to get hurt?
Then, I think, “he was just drunk.” He said things he didn’t mean. He rubbed my feet just for the hell of it. He was just fucking with my head. He woke up the next morning and had no intention of going to St. Augustine and when I called and cancelled, he was relieved. Of course, I didn’t even give him a chance to say anything. And then I volunteered to be present for the next day. Then he made plans with John, then again I volunteered myself for the next night. Then I cancelled. She’s not worth all that trouble, anyway, he probably thought. Or he’s just embarrassed by some of the things he said that night and he got ahead of himself again. So he’s retreating and he will call again later – when the time is right!
And then the reality fairy strikes again, “what is wrong with you? You can’t date him anyway! You probably don’t even like him when you’re sober and even if you could date, you can’t date a guy who drinks like him! So why are you constantly thinking about him?” “Just one more time,” I think. “I’ll see him just once more and I’ll explain and I’ll get to be in his presence one more time and I’ll get to kiss him one last time and that will be it.” Sounds familiar, huh? Wow that is scary. That sounds just like my love affair with alcohol. There’s always a “one last time.” And sometimes that “one last time” kills.
So is acceptance is the key?
“Acceptance is the answer to ALL my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I can accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy.” Pg. 417 The Big Book
I know this to be true, but exactly HOW you accept life on life’s terms is somewhat of a mystery. Some things are easier to accept than others. But remember, HOW:
Honest – admitted I was powerless over JY and his take on our relationship
Open – came to believe that my HP can take away the obsession
Willing – made a decision to turn my will and life over to my HP
Be honest with myself and others about the reality of the situation.
Be open about my feelings and open to other people’s suggestions and POV.
Be willing to let go, change, and take suggestions. Turn that will over one more time!
If I could accept situations as they are, instead of how I want them to be, I would be a much more serene and content person. Before, I had to live a delusional existence; today I can choose to live in the truth, no matter how unpleasant that may be. The truth will set you free….
We came back to my place and were joined by Lisa and Jean at the pool. We were just chilling, being girls, gossiping. I was unsuccessfully trying to read. Then a green little demon started dancing beside me – just close enough to brush against me as he passed. We were waiting for the guys to show up with the food and although I was happy they were coming, my mood began to sour. Because I knew there would be one, two, three of them and there were one, two, three, four of us. A fourth man was glaringly absent. Not THE fourth man, but ANY fourth man. Of course, I would’ve liked to imagine JY following behind them single file, but it could have been any guy I’d mated up with.
I thought about calling and inviting him more than once, but my common sense and pride got the best of me. “He wouldn’t come anyway,” I thought. “Why would he want to drive all the way over here? He wouldn’t come just to see me and he doesn’t really like to hang out with these guys anyway. He would be uncomfortable, feel awkward. But why? These ARE his guys, after all. But yeah, he’s DIFFERENT than them. He’s special. We would get along better alone. I would be self conscious around him. Everyone would be looking at us. What if he kissed me in front of them?” GOD, my brain. I’d thought about everything but the cemetery plots in a matter of seconds. So although my poor head knows that these thoughts are futile altogether, it still scopes out the drama – imaginary though it may be. And I know that I deserve better than this. I deserve a guy that would want to drive out here at the drop of a hat and wouldn’t care who he had to hang out with to spend time with me. But I digress.
I have given this situation way too much time and thought. I am fully aware that I cannot date him and cannot have a romantic relationship in any way with anyone right now. Yet I am still upset that he didn’t call – that he is indifferent. I wanted a chance to tell him the truth and then have him rebuke me. I can’t understand WHY he is acting the way he is. No one can. It’s not logical. So I sit here and dissect the situation over and over again. Is he mad? Did I hurt his feelings because I cancelled? Does he think I’m playing games? No, he’s a man. He can take it. But what if he can’t…what if men are more sensitive than we think. What if he really likes me, but doesn’t want to get hurt?
Then, I think, “he was just drunk.” He said things he didn’t mean. He rubbed my feet just for the hell of it. He was just fucking with my head. He woke up the next morning and had no intention of going to St. Augustine and when I called and cancelled, he was relieved. Of course, I didn’t even give him a chance to say anything. And then I volunteered to be present for the next day. Then he made plans with John, then again I volunteered myself for the next night. Then I cancelled. She’s not worth all that trouble, anyway, he probably thought. Or he’s just embarrassed by some of the things he said that night and he got ahead of himself again. So he’s retreating and he will call again later – when the time is right!
And then the reality fairy strikes again, “what is wrong with you? You can’t date him anyway! You probably don’t even like him when you’re sober and even if you could date, you can’t date a guy who drinks like him! So why are you constantly thinking about him?” “Just one more time,” I think. “I’ll see him just once more and I’ll explain and I’ll get to be in his presence one more time and I’ll get to kiss him one last time and that will be it.” Sounds familiar, huh? Wow that is scary. That sounds just like my love affair with alcohol. There’s always a “one last time.” And sometimes that “one last time” kills.
So is acceptance is the key?
“Acceptance is the answer to ALL my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I can accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy.” Pg. 417 The Big Book
I know this to be true, but exactly HOW you accept life on life’s terms is somewhat of a mystery. Some things are easier to accept than others. But remember, HOW:
Honest – admitted I was powerless over JY and his take on our relationship
Open – came to believe that my HP can take away the obsession
Willing – made a decision to turn my will and life over to my HP
Be honest with myself and others about the reality of the situation.
Be open about my feelings and open to other people’s suggestions and POV.
Be willing to let go, change, and take suggestions. Turn that will over one more time!
If I could accept situations as they are, instead of how I want them to be, I would be a much more serene and content person. Before, I had to live a delusional existence; today I can choose to live in the truth, no matter how unpleasant that may be. The truth will set you free….
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Joe M. 1957-1992 (My Father)
Today is the 16th anniversary of my father's death. He has been gone for more of my life than he was here. It is as if he never existed. Alcohol took his life swiftly. He died of cirrhosis at 35 years of age. How he managed to destroy himself so quickly, I'll never know.
I was mad at him for a long time, but I now understand that he was sick. They told me it was a disease back then when he was dying, but I thought he was being selfish and could stop if he really wanted to. He was in denial until the day he died. The morning of his last day he asked the nurse, "I'm not going to die, am I?" "Baby," she said, "we don't talk about things like that around here." He died a horrible alcoholic death...his body like a skeleton, yet his feet and stomach were swollen like a balloon excreting a vile fluid through his pores. When he slept, his eyes wouldn't close so his blank eyes rolled around helpless as if he were already dead. He couldn't breathe and he could barely talk. I don't even remember what I said to him.
I am sitting here sobbing at the thought of his suffering and I honestly think this is the first time I've ever felt true compassion for him. I can't imagine the physical and mental agony he must have endured and the regret and sorrow that must have plagued his mind in the end with no chance of redemption. No spiritual connection. No higher power. Why? Because he was an alcoholic, that's why. I often wonder if he ever sat in the rooms of AA. Was he offered the gift and didn't take it? Did he ever pick up a white chip? Was he one of the ones who went back out and never made it back?
He was one of the ones who died so that others may live.
Rest in peace, Daddy.
I wish you had made it. I think you were a pretty cool guy.
I was mad at him for a long time, but I now understand that he was sick. They told me it was a disease back then when he was dying, but I thought he was being selfish and could stop if he really wanted to. He was in denial until the day he died. The morning of his last day he asked the nurse, "I'm not going to die, am I?" "Baby," she said, "we don't talk about things like that around here." He died a horrible alcoholic death...his body like a skeleton, yet his feet and stomach were swollen like a balloon excreting a vile fluid through his pores. When he slept, his eyes wouldn't close so his blank eyes rolled around helpless as if he were already dead. He couldn't breathe and he could barely talk. I don't even remember what I said to him.
I am sitting here sobbing at the thought of his suffering and I honestly think this is the first time I've ever felt true compassion for him. I can't imagine the physical and mental agony he must have endured and the regret and sorrow that must have plagued his mind in the end with no chance of redemption. No spiritual connection. No higher power. Why? Because he was an alcoholic, that's why. I often wonder if he ever sat in the rooms of AA. Was he offered the gift and didn't take it? Did he ever pick up a white chip? Was he one of the ones who went back out and never made it back?
He was one of the ones who died so that others may live.
Rest in peace, Daddy.
I wish you had made it. I think you were a pretty cool guy.
The Tao - Living in the Flow
8th Verse
Wow, this guy was wise. :) This verse equates humans with water. We are made in water, are made up of water, and are nourished by water. Therefore, we should live as water lives, since we are water. Water moves smoothly in accordance with nature. This is my favorite quote from the pg. 42 of Change Your Thoughs - Change Your Life by Dr. Wayne Dyer:
This verse further reminds us to be receptive to everyone, especially those who do not receive respect (homeless, drug addicts, etc. Look for the Tao in everyone you encounter. Make a special effort to have acceptance, gentleness, and kindnes course through you to others. By not being irritating and making every effort to avoid controlling the lives of others, you'll be in harmony with the Tao and this is the way you nourish others without trying.
The supreme good is like water,
which nourishes all things without trying to.
It flows to low places loathed by all men.
Therefore, it is like the Tao.
Live in accordance with the nature of things.
In dwelling, be close to the land.
In meditation, go deep in the heart.
In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
Stand by your word.
Govern with equity.
Be timely in choosing the right moment.
One who lives in accordance with the nature
does not go against the way of things.
He moves in harmony with the present moment, always knowing the truth of just what to do.
Wow, this guy was wise. :) This verse equates humans with water. We are made in water, are made up of water, and are nourished by water. Therefore, we should live as water lives, since we are water. Water moves smoothly in accordance with nature. This is my favorite quote from the pg. 42 of Change Your Thoughs - Change Your Life by Dr. Wayne Dyer:
"It is natural for you to be gentle, to allow others to be free to go where they're inclined to go, and to be as they need to be without any interference from you."This reminds me to live and let live.
This verse further reminds us to be receptive to everyone, especially those who do not receive respect (homeless, drug addicts, etc. Look for the Tao in everyone you encounter. Make a special effort to have acceptance, gentleness, and kindnes course through you to others. By not being irritating and making every effort to avoid controlling the lives of others, you'll be in harmony with the Tao and this is the way you nourish others without trying.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
More on Humility
Many people believe that humility is the opposite of pride, when, in fact, it is a point of equilibrium. The opposite of pride is actual lack of self-esteem. A humble person is totally different from a person who cannot recognize and appreciate himself as part of this worlds marvels.--Rabino Nilton Bonder
There are a lot of good posts on humility at Attitude of Gratitude.
It seems that many have much to say on the subject. I guess I have just always ignored the very concept of humility. Being humble was never on my list of priorities.
I met with my sponsor today and we worked on the 4th step. Or the pre 4th step, I guess you could say. We talked about compulsion and compared shopping to drinking. I realized that my compulsive shopping is directly related to my disease. I recognize that I had that same blank, uncontrollable feeling of powerlessness that precedes a drink. It is the same feeling that would occur between the end of the work day and the first drink of the evening. A blind compulsion. I filled a cart with probably $2000 of clothes. I thought about buying them, trying them on, and then bringing them back. I tried some on. Nothing looked good. I knew I should leave, but I couldn't leave that cart full of clothes I'd spent so much time picking out. My brain was full, yet completely empty at the same time. Somehow, I managed to walk out without buying anything, although I felt terrible about leaving all those clothes for the workers to put up.
My sponsor brought to my attention that this behavior was probably a direct result of having to cancel my plans with J.Y. It was a fear based action because I didn't know what he was thinking about me and the change of plans and I couldn't control that. That was a dangerous place to be.
We talked about the 5 basic problems that men and women have from step 4 of the 12&12...
1. Sex
2. Financial security
3. Dependency on a stronger person
4. Attempting to rule our fellows
5. Desire for prestige
I tried to pinpoint my main problem, but find it nearly impossible for they are all so intertwined. I am beginning to understand how my demands upon others drove them away. "Demands made upon other people for too much attention, protection, and love can only invite domination or revulsion in the protectors themselves..." Ummm, hello Misha...I need to know what it feels like to be without you. And at the same time I was trying to dominate my fellows by controlling their feelings and decisions. That was impossible and so it led to unrealistic expectations and despair. And that led to a drink. One long continuous drink.
I could probably do step four for a year and never tire of it. There is so much to review.
Gratitude:
1. A day off
2. Cool weather - probably the last we'll have for a while
3. Spending time writing and working on this blog today
4. My home is in order
5. Meeting with my sponsor and having a genuine discussion
6. Continuing self realization
7. Starbucks Frap...always...why do I waste my money?
8. Finding these AA resources on the web.
9. Adam and Lo bringing the dresser up.
10. John not being the one killed in Afghanistan - I know this is selfish, but I can't help it.
There are a lot of good posts on humility at Attitude of Gratitude.
It seems that many have much to say on the subject. I guess I have just always ignored the very concept of humility. Being humble was never on my list of priorities.
I met with my sponsor today and we worked on the 4th step. Or the pre 4th step, I guess you could say. We talked about compulsion and compared shopping to drinking. I realized that my compulsive shopping is directly related to my disease. I recognize that I had that same blank, uncontrollable feeling of powerlessness that precedes a drink. It is the same feeling that would occur between the end of the work day and the first drink of the evening. A blind compulsion. I filled a cart with probably $2000 of clothes. I thought about buying them, trying them on, and then bringing them back. I tried some on. Nothing looked good. I knew I should leave, but I couldn't leave that cart full of clothes I'd spent so much time picking out. My brain was full, yet completely empty at the same time. Somehow, I managed to walk out without buying anything, although I felt terrible about leaving all those clothes for the workers to put up.
My sponsor brought to my attention that this behavior was probably a direct result of having to cancel my plans with J.Y. It was a fear based action because I didn't know what he was thinking about me and the change of plans and I couldn't control that. That was a dangerous place to be.
We talked about the 5 basic problems that men and women have from step 4 of the 12&12...
1. Sex
2. Financial security
3. Dependency on a stronger person
4. Attempting to rule our fellows
5. Desire for prestige
I tried to pinpoint my main problem, but find it nearly impossible for they are all so intertwined. I am beginning to understand how my demands upon others drove them away. "Demands made upon other people for too much attention, protection, and love can only invite domination or revulsion in the protectors themselves..." Ummm, hello Misha...I need to know what it feels like to be without you. And at the same time I was trying to dominate my fellows by controlling their feelings and decisions. That was impossible and so it led to unrealistic expectations and despair. And that led to a drink. One long continuous drink.
I could probably do step four for a year and never tire of it. There is so much to review.
Gratitude:
1. A day off
2. Cool weather - probably the last we'll have for a while
3. Spending time writing and working on this blog today
4. My home is in order
5. Meeting with my sponsor and having a genuine discussion
6. Continuing self realization
7. Starbucks Frap...always...why do I waste my money?
8. Finding these AA resources on the web.
9. Adam and Lo bringing the dresser up.
10. John not being the one killed in Afghanistan - I know this is selfish, but I can't help it.
The Tao - Living Without Striving
20th Verse
Give up learning and you will be free
from all your cares.
What is the difference between yes and no?
What is the difference between good and evil?
Must I fear what others fear?
Should I fear desolation
when there is abundance?
Should I fear darkness
when that light is shining everywhere?
In spring, some go to the park and climb the terrace,
but I alone am drifting, not knowing where I am.
Like a newborn babe before it learns to smile,
I am alone, without a place to go.
Most people have too much;
I alone seem to be missing something.
Mine is indeed the mind of an ignoramus
in its unadulterated simplicity.
I am but a guest in this world.
While others rush about to get things done,
I accept what is offered.
I alone seem foolish,
earning little, spending less.
Other people strive for fame;
I avoid the limelight,
preferring to be left alone.
Indeed, I seem like an idiot:
no mind, no worries.
I drift like a wave on the ocean.
I blow as aimless as the wind.
All men settle down in their grooves;
I alone am stubborn and remain outside.
But wherein I am most different from others is
in knowing to take sustenance from the great Mother!
This is a little deep, even for me. But Wayne Dyer explains that this is about relinquishing the struggle of life and "accepting life as it is provided by the great Mother" (aka God, Higher Power, Tao). It's about surrender. It's about Step Three again! It's about living in the moment. This is one of my current favorite affirmations:
It is all perfect. God's love is everywhere and forgets on one. I trust in this force to guide me, and I am not allowing ego to enter now.
Give up learning and you will be free
from all your cares.
What is the difference between yes and no?
What is the difference between good and evil?
Must I fear what others fear?
Should I fear desolation
when there is abundance?
Should I fear darkness
when that light is shining everywhere?
In spring, some go to the park and climb the terrace,
but I alone am drifting, not knowing where I am.
Like a newborn babe before it learns to smile,
I am alone, without a place to go.
Most people have too much;
I alone seem to be missing something.
Mine is indeed the mind of an ignoramus
in its unadulterated simplicity.
I am but a guest in this world.
While others rush about to get things done,
I accept what is offered.
I alone seem foolish,
earning little, spending less.
Other people strive for fame;
I avoid the limelight,
preferring to be left alone.
Indeed, I seem like an idiot:
no mind, no worries.
I drift like a wave on the ocean.
I blow as aimless as the wind.
All men settle down in their grooves;
I alone am stubborn and remain outside.
But wherein I am most different from others is
in knowing to take sustenance from the great Mother!
This is a little deep, even for me. But Wayne Dyer explains that this is about relinquishing the struggle of life and "accepting life as it is provided by the great Mother" (aka God, Higher Power, Tao). It's about surrender. It's about Step Three again! It's about living in the moment. This is one of my current favorite affirmations:
It is all perfect. God's love is everywhere and forgets on one. I trust in this force to guide me, and I am not allowing ego to enter now.
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