More on Humility

Many people believe that humility is the opposite of pride, when, in fact, it is a point of equilibrium. The opposite of pride is actual lack of self-esteem. A humble person is totally different from a person who cannot recognize and appreciate himself as part of this worlds marvels.--Rabino Nilton Bonder

There are a lot of good posts on humility at Attitude of Gratitude.

It seems that many have much to say on the subject. I guess I have just always ignored the very concept of humility. Being humble was never on my list of priorities.

I met with my sponsor today and we worked on the 4th step. Or the pre 4th step, I guess you could say. We talked about compulsion and compared shopping to drinking. I realized that my compulsive shopping is directly related to my disease. I recognize that I had that same blank, uncontrollable feeling of powerlessness that precedes a drink. It is the same feeling that would occur between the end of the work day and the first drink of the evening. A blind compulsion. I filled a cart with probably $2000 of clothes. I thought about buying them, trying them on, and then bringing them back. I tried some on. Nothing looked good. I knew I should leave, but I couldn't leave that cart full of clothes I'd spent so much time picking out. My brain was full, yet completely empty at the same time. Somehow, I managed to walk out without buying anything, although I felt terrible about leaving all those clothes for the workers to put up.

My sponsor brought to my attention that this behavior was probably a direct result of having to cancel my plans with J.Y. It was a fear based action because I didn't know what he was thinking about me and the change of plans and I couldn't control that. That was a dangerous place to be.

We talked about the 5 basic problems that men and women have from step 4 of the 12&12...
1. Sex
2. Financial security
3. Dependency on a stronger person
4. Attempting to rule our fellows
5. Desire for prestige

I tried to pinpoint my main problem, but find it nearly impossible for they are all so intertwined. I am beginning to understand how my demands upon others drove them away. "Demands made upon other people for too much attention, protection, and love can only invite domination or revulsion in the protectors themselves..." Ummm, hello Misha...I need to know what it feels like to be without you. And at the same time I was trying to dominate my fellows by controlling their feelings and decisions. That was impossible and so it led to unrealistic expectations and despair. And that led to a drink. One long continuous drink.

I could probably do step four for a year and never tire of it. There is so much to review.

Gratitude:
1. A day off
2. Cool weather - probably the last we'll have for a while
3. Spending time writing and working on this blog today
4. My home is in order
5. Meeting with my sponsor and having a genuine discussion
6. Continuing self realization
7. Starbucks Frap...always...why do I waste my money?
8. Finding these AA resources on the web.
9. Adam and Lo bringing the dresser up.
10. John not being the one killed in Afghanistan - I know this is selfish, but I can't help it.