Humility and Responsibility

All A.A. progress can be reckoned in terms of just two words: humility and responsibility. Our whole spiritual development can be accurately measured by our degree of adherance to these magnificent principles.
- As Bill Sees It pg. 271

Humility eludes me. In the beginning of the Little Red Book there are listed "Aids to Contented Sobriety." They are humility, honesty, faith, courage, and appreciation. From the beginning I felt humility was my biggest stumbing block. Next to humility I wrote "knowing my place among God and my fellow man." "Be humble; don't be self absorbed; sincerely care about others; realize my insignificance in the scope of things." Ha! How could I possibly do that when I am the center of the universe?

Further into the steps, my sponsor asked me to define humility and in doing so, I defined humble. It means having or showing a consciouness of one's defects or shortcomings; not proud; not self assertive; modest; an unassuming character; mildness and atience of disposition which is not easily stirred to anger and resentment; absence of pretensions, boastfullness and conceit. Synonyms are meek, modest and lowly. Antonyms are proud and conceited. I could definitely use some humility. To me, lack of humility is linked with the false ego and the false ego is the sick part of my mind.

So how does one practice humility in everyday life? I wrote: don't be self absorbed; sincerely care about others; realize my insignificance in the scope of things. Todays Daily Reflection reminds me that humility involves acknowleding and respecting the views, accomplishments and prerogatives of others and to accept being wrong. If I keep reading this everyday, maybe it will sink in.

I'm also learning how to accept reality. Learning to "Let Go and Let God." Learning that God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself. I'm also reading "Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao" and this quote spoke to me:

"It is natural for you to be gentle, to allow others to be free to go where they're inclined to go, and to be as they need to be without interference from you." It reminds me of what I am not responsible for. I am not responsible for other people's actions, thoughts, or feelings and should not waste my time concerned with such. I can't even control what's in my head, much less someone else's!

I've had a lot of drama in my life recently and it's been strange dealing with that. Things have been so serene and peaceful and my mind has been calm. And then BOOM! I get my 90 meetings in 90 days and Jesse texts. The next day, I alter my meeting schedule and we meet up. We sit on his back patio and talk for three hours. He drinks copious amounts of wine and smokes cigarettes. I am not tempted, but look upon the bottle of Ecco Domani with a certain sense of romance. He tells me I'm standoffish. He rubs my feet. He says he wants to name his son Jackson - "Jaxon." And he comes up with the bright idea to go to St. Augustine the next day. Then he kisses me in the driveway under the glare of the streetlight and I could not enjoy it for feeling embarrassed. I guess I knew it was wrong.

So I leave fully believing that I will see him the next day. But as I drive away, I remember what has comprised the bulk of my life for the past three months! HELLO!!! That's all it takes to rape my mind of everything I've learned. I can't go with him to St. Augustine. I can't go anywhere with him. My vision of us riding the Harley down Highway 17 under a cloudless blue sky turns into a rerun of disappointment. Needless to say, I declined. We made plans for the next day. I forgot that I had a meeting scheduled with my sponsor and my home group. Once again, all of MY plans go out the door. So I called and cancelled that, too. He doesn't call me back and I obsess oevr why, why, why??? Like it matters?

I called him last night and apologized again for canceling. I asked if he was mad at me and he said "I don't get mad" with a stinging indifference. Then he said we would "try again another time." I am baffled. Disappointed. Rejected. I've projected my expectations on another fallible human being - unrealistic, misguided expectations with wrong motive and now I'm surprised that I'm disappointed. I can't date him anyway, so why do I care? I just don't understand why he acted like he liked me so much that night and then such indifference later. Perhaps alcohol had something to do with it.

Gratitude:
1. Going to Mary J.'s and spending time with her and Shelia.
2. Mondays aren't so bad anymore.
3. recoverybroadcastnetwork.net
4. Got everything out in the open with Shelia about the "MEN" problem.
5. Stayed busy today.
6. Terry accepted the job.
7. Zucchini casserole.
8. Deciding to do this blog.
9. God's Grace!!
10. I am sober! THANK YOU GOD!