Joe M. 1957-1992 (My Father)

Today is the 16th anniversary of my father's death. He has been gone for more of my life than he was here. It is as if he never existed. Alcohol took his life swiftly. He died of cirrhosis at 35 years of age. How he managed to destroy himself so quickly, I'll never know.

I was mad at him for a long time, but I now understand that he was sick. They told me it was a disease back then when he was dying, but I thought he was being selfish and could stop if he really wanted to. He was in denial until the day he died. The morning of his last day he asked the nurse, "I'm not going to die, am I?" "Baby," she said, "we don't talk about things like that around here." He died a horrible alcoholic death...his body like a skeleton, yet his feet and stomach were swollen like a balloon excreting a vile fluid through his pores. When he slept, his eyes wouldn't close so his blank eyes rolled around helpless as if he were already dead. He couldn't breathe and he could barely talk. I don't even remember what I said to him.

I am sitting here sobbing at the thought of his suffering and I honestly think this is the first time I've ever felt true compassion for him. I can't imagine the physical and mental agony he must have endured and the regret and sorrow that must have plagued his mind in the end with no chance of redemption. No spiritual connection. No higher power. Why? Because he was an alcoholic, that's why. I often wonder if he ever sat in the rooms of AA. Was he offered the gift and didn't take it? Did he ever pick up a white chip? Was he one of the ones who went back out and never made it back?

He was one of the ones who died so that others may live.

Rest in peace, Daddy.

I wish you had made it. I think you were a pretty cool guy.

The Tao - Living in the Flow

8th Verse

The supreme good is like water,
which nourishes all things without trying to.
It flows to low places loathed by all men.
Therefore, it is like the Tao.

Live in accordance with the nature of things.
In dwelling, be close to the land.
In meditation, go deep in the heart.
In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
Stand by your word.
Govern with equity.
Be timely in choosing the right moment.

One who lives in accordance with the nature
does not go against the way of things.
He moves in harmony with the present moment, always knowing the truth of just what to do.

Wow, this guy was wise. :) This verse equates humans with water. We are made in water, are made up of water, and are nourished by water. Therefore, we should live as water lives, since we are water. Water moves smoothly in accordance with nature. This is my favorite quote from the pg. 42 of Change Your Thoughs - Change Your Life by Dr. Wayne Dyer:

"It is natural for you to be gentle, to allow others to be free to go where they're inclined to go, and to be as they need to be without any interference from you."

This reminds me to live and let live.

This verse further reminds us to be receptive to everyone, especially those who do not receive respect (homeless, drug addicts, etc. Look for the Tao in everyone you encounter. Make a special effort to have acceptance, gentleness, and kindnes course through you to others. By not being irritating and making every effort to avoid controlling the lives of others, you'll be in harmony with the Tao and this is the way you nourish others without trying.

More on Humility

Many people believe that humility is the opposite of pride, when, in fact, it is a point of equilibrium. The opposite of pride is actual lack of self-esteem. A humble person is totally different from a person who cannot recognize and appreciate himself as part of this worlds marvels.--Rabino Nilton Bonder

There are a lot of good posts on humility at Attitude of Gratitude.

It seems that many have much to say on the subject. I guess I have just always ignored the very concept of humility. Being humble was never on my list of priorities.

I met with my sponsor today and we worked on the 4th step. Or the pre 4th step, I guess you could say. We talked about compulsion and compared shopping to drinking. I realized that my compulsive shopping is directly related to my disease. I recognize that I had that same blank, uncontrollable feeling of powerlessness that precedes a drink. It is the same feeling that would occur between the end of the work day and the first drink of the evening. A blind compulsion. I filled a cart with probably $2000 of clothes. I thought about buying them, trying them on, and then bringing them back. I tried some on. Nothing looked good. I knew I should leave, but I couldn't leave that cart full of clothes I'd spent so much time picking out. My brain was full, yet completely empty at the same time. Somehow, I managed to walk out without buying anything, although I felt terrible about leaving all those clothes for the workers to put up.

My sponsor brought to my attention that this behavior was probably a direct result of having to cancel my plans with J.Y. It was a fear based action because I didn't know what he was thinking about me and the change of plans and I couldn't control that. That was a dangerous place to be.

We talked about the 5 basic problems that men and women have from step 4 of the 12&12...
1. Sex
2. Financial security
3. Dependency on a stronger person
4. Attempting to rule our fellows
5. Desire for prestige

I tried to pinpoint my main problem, but find it nearly impossible for they are all so intertwined. I am beginning to understand how my demands upon others drove them away. "Demands made upon other people for too much attention, protection, and love can only invite domination or revulsion in the protectors themselves..." Ummm, hello Misha...I need to know what it feels like to be without you. And at the same time I was trying to dominate my fellows by controlling their feelings and decisions. That was impossible and so it led to unrealistic expectations and despair. And that led to a drink. One long continuous drink.

I could probably do step four for a year and never tire of it. There is so much to review.

Gratitude:
1. A day off
2. Cool weather - probably the last we'll have for a while
3. Spending time writing and working on this blog today
4. My home is in order
5. Meeting with my sponsor and having a genuine discussion
6. Continuing self realization
7. Starbucks Frap...always...why do I waste my money?
8. Finding these AA resources on the web.
9. Adam and Lo bringing the dresser up.
10. John not being the one killed in Afghanistan - I know this is selfish, but I can't help it.

The Tao - Living Without Striving

20th Verse

Give up learning and you will be free
from all your cares.
What is the difference between yes and no?
What is the difference between good and evil?
Must I fear what others fear?
Should I fear desolation
when there is abundance?
Should I fear darkness
when that light is shining everywhere?
In spring, some go to the park and climb the terrace,
but I alone am drifting, not knowing where I am.
Like a newborn babe before it learns to smile,
I am alone, without a place to go.
Most people have too much;
I alone seem to be missing something.
Mine is indeed the mind of an ignoramus
in its unadulterated simplicity.
I am but a guest in this world.
While others rush about to get things done,
I accept what is offered.
I alone seem foolish,
earning little, spending less.
Other people strive for fame;
I avoid the limelight,
preferring to be left alone.
Indeed, I seem like an idiot:
no mind, no worries.
I drift like a wave on the ocean.
I blow as aimless as the wind.
All men settle down in their grooves;
I alone am stubborn and remain outside.
But wherein I am most different from others is
in knowing to take sustenance from the great Mother!


This is a little deep, even for me. But Wayne Dyer explains that this is about relinquishing the struggle of life and "accepting life as it is provided by the great Mother" (aka God, Higher Power, Tao). It's about surrender. It's about Step Three again! It's about living in the moment. This is one of my current favorite affirmations:

It is all perfect. God's love is everywhere and forgets on one. I trust in this force to guide me, and I am not allowing ego to enter now.

Emotional Sobriety

My horoscope today is right on target:

If you and another person can't hook up, then the two of you aren't meant to hook up right now. Don't stress out about it or get frustrated. And do not entertain any ideas whatsoever that anyone could be avoiding you on purpose. Thinking like that will only put you on a path of thinking things about this other person that they don't deserve.

So once again, let go and let God. I guess I needed that confirmation from the heavens.

In a handout from an "Emotional Sobriety" seminar, I read:
"Finding ourselves locked into the intoxicating grip of certain emotions and suffering the pain and mental hangover from these, we found it necessary to learn which ones are poisonous and threatening to our emotional sobriety and serenity. We learn that we can avoid these emotions and their crippling effects if we can act our way into right thinking. We do this by saying to ourselves, "If I were not.....(jealous,depressed,etc.)what would I be thinking, feeling, doing?" We step out on faith after asking God's guidance. ANd we try to remember: EASY DOES IT, but DO IT!"

I turned over the situation to God last week and he has answered me with silence. I have to learn to recognize that silence is sometimes the answer.

Back to the five aids to contented sobriety...they can be applied to any situation. In this particular case:
1. Humility - do not be prideful or feel I did something or am something special because J.Y. showed me attention. He is not God.
2. Honesty - be honest with him about my life. Be honest with myself about the reality of the situation.
3. Faith - have faith that God has a plan for me; know that I must be patient and more will be revealed.
4. Courage - do not fear being alone or the unknown; do not fear his reaction.
5. Appreciation - Be grateful for my spiritual progress, the gift of sobriety, the friends and support group I have.

I am regaining my serenity and next time I will be aware of the potential disruption that can occur as a result of male attention. Especially the attention of an Alpha male...airborne ranger, life of danger, taking life, defending life, swallowing it all down so that no one has to eat it. A mystery, yet so obvious in his self mutilation. Praying that God will watch over him and reveal Himself in his heart, whether we continue our friendship or not. He is one of my heros, for he has to bear a burden I cannot fathom.

Humility and Responsibility

All A.A. progress can be reckoned in terms of just two words: humility and responsibility. Our whole spiritual development can be accurately measured by our degree of adherance to these magnificent principles.
- As Bill Sees It pg. 271

Humility eludes me. In the beginning of the Little Red Book there are listed "Aids to Contented Sobriety." They are humility, honesty, faith, courage, and appreciation. From the beginning I felt humility was my biggest stumbing block. Next to humility I wrote "knowing my place among God and my fellow man." "Be humble; don't be self absorbed; sincerely care about others; realize my insignificance in the scope of things." Ha! How could I possibly do that when I am the center of the universe?

Further into the steps, my sponsor asked me to define humility and in doing so, I defined humble. It means having or showing a consciouness of one's defects or shortcomings; not proud; not self assertive; modest; an unassuming character; mildness and atience of disposition which is not easily stirred to anger and resentment; absence of pretensions, boastfullness and conceit. Synonyms are meek, modest and lowly. Antonyms are proud and conceited. I could definitely use some humility. To me, lack of humility is linked with the false ego and the false ego is the sick part of my mind.

So how does one practice humility in everyday life? I wrote: don't be self absorbed; sincerely care about others; realize my insignificance in the scope of things. Todays Daily Reflection reminds me that humility involves acknowleding and respecting the views, accomplishments and prerogatives of others and to accept being wrong. If I keep reading this everyday, maybe it will sink in.

I'm also learning how to accept reality. Learning to "Let Go and Let God." Learning that God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself. I'm also reading "Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao" and this quote spoke to me:

"It is natural for you to be gentle, to allow others to be free to go where they're inclined to go, and to be as they need to be without interference from you." It reminds me of what I am not responsible for. I am not responsible for other people's actions, thoughts, or feelings and should not waste my time concerned with such. I can't even control what's in my head, much less someone else's!

I've had a lot of drama in my life recently and it's been strange dealing with that. Things have been so serene and peaceful and my mind has been calm. And then BOOM! I get my 90 meetings in 90 days and Jesse texts. The next day, I alter my meeting schedule and we meet up. We sit on his back patio and talk for three hours. He drinks copious amounts of wine and smokes cigarettes. I am not tempted, but look upon the bottle of Ecco Domani with a certain sense of romance. He tells me I'm standoffish. He rubs my feet. He says he wants to name his son Jackson - "Jaxon." And he comes up with the bright idea to go to St. Augustine the next day. Then he kisses me in the driveway under the glare of the streetlight and I could not enjoy it for feeling embarrassed. I guess I knew it was wrong.

So I leave fully believing that I will see him the next day. But as I drive away, I remember what has comprised the bulk of my life for the past three months! HELLO!!! That's all it takes to rape my mind of everything I've learned. I can't go with him to St. Augustine. I can't go anywhere with him. My vision of us riding the Harley down Highway 17 under a cloudless blue sky turns into a rerun of disappointment. Needless to say, I declined. We made plans for the next day. I forgot that I had a meeting scheduled with my sponsor and my home group. Once again, all of MY plans go out the door. So I called and cancelled that, too. He doesn't call me back and I obsess oevr why, why, why??? Like it matters?

I called him last night and apologized again for canceling. I asked if he was mad at me and he said "I don't get mad" with a stinging indifference. Then he said we would "try again another time." I am baffled. Disappointed. Rejected. I've projected my expectations on another fallible human being - unrealistic, misguided expectations with wrong motive and now I'm surprised that I'm disappointed. I can't date him anyway, so why do I care? I just don't understand why he acted like he liked me so much that night and then such indifference later. Perhaps alcohol had something to do with it.

Gratitude:
1. Going to Mary J.'s and spending time with her and Shelia.
2. Mondays aren't so bad anymore.
3. recoverybroadcastnetwork.net
4. Got everything out in the open with Shelia about the "MEN" problem.
5. Stayed busy today.
6. Terry accepted the job.
7. Zucchini casserole.
8. Deciding to do this blog.
9. God's Grace!!
10. I am sober! THANK YOU GOD!

My first post...

Well today is my 101st straight day of meetings (except for that one day in Myrtle Beach when there was a meeting on the schedule and no one showed up)! If someone had told me on the morning January 19th that I'd be sitting here writing this, I would not have believed them. That day was like any other Saturday. I farted around at home, then went to see PS I Love You with my best friend, then went shopping, then felt drawn to the AA clubhouse. I'd been many times before and didn't particularly like it, but my therapist kept suggesting that I go. I drove past, then said to myself, "just do it, just turn into the parking lot and don't think about it!" Wait...maybe that wasn't me, but my higher power.

I have learned so much in these 101 days. I have a sponsor who has a sponsor who has a sponsor who has a sponsor. I've joined a home group and am the literature person. I've read the Traditions at the clubhouse in front of a huge group of people. I've picked up a white chip, a red chip and a silver medallion that reads "to thine own self be true." I've had a silly, obsessive crush on a mechanic beaming with the contagious enthusiasm that sometimes emanates from this program. And I've sat next to him in church as a friend. I have not lied to my sponsor about anything. I've made priorities and set boundaries. I've admitted that I am powerless over alcohol and over other people, places and things. There is a God and I AM NOT IT!

This program has given me hope and a new way of living. I've faced the "proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is or He isn't." (Big Book pg. 53) God Is.